My ever evolving self love journey

If someone would have told me that by cutting off all my hair a decade ago would of started myself love and self worth journey. I would have rolled my eyes. But it’s true that was my start. Growing up I hated my hair after having my first perm as early as 4 or 5 the seed was planted that my hair was deemed “ugly” and “nappy” and “to hard to deal with”. Every week my hair was getting straight ironed and about every six to 8 weeks I was getting a perm. By the time I was 13 my mama told me it was time I started doing my own hair… How in the F*** do I take care of my own hair I had no clue so of course over the course of my teenage and early adult years my hair was on the struggle bus 🚌. I remembering being so envious of all the girls in class who had what at the time I considered good hair you know the super curly hair that when it was straightened looked like pure silk and had so much bounce and movement it looked like their was a fan blowing in their direction at all times. Not only did I envy those girls I hated those girls.

At 19 I chopped off all my hair for the first time due to dying my hair and it started to fall out. At first I was like I can do this I’ll start over. Nope that did not happen I had no idea how to take care of my even shorter chopped hair it was nappy it was unruly and ultimately ugly. 19 I was a broke college student honestly just trying to make it through, during this time period fake it till you make it was in. SO that's just what I did I faked it, faked the confidence, faked loving my hair, my body, my everything. Pretending to look in the mirror and acted like I liked what I saw was much easier than revealing the truth. The truth was I was lost I was scared I felt that if I couldn't love myself how would anyone else be able to love me. Getting pregnant in college was reality hit. How can I love my child if I could not love myself. It was clear on the day he was born a real change was needed from within. After having Malachi I was amazed at what my body had just done. My body created life....WOW. Looking at my son I started to see myself and I knew that I didn't want him to grow up being insecure.

I began journaling daily just about how I felt, what the day had brung, how I saw myself in the day the good, the bad, the indifferent, the everything. I started to give myself grace, I learned it was okay to have a not so great day, it was also okay to not feel your best the difference I was learning was that it was not okay to stay and sit in those moments I felt were bad. I bought a $5 body mirror from Walmart and I wrote myself positivity notes and I brought attention to all the things I loved about myself. I started taking myself on dates, at first it was soooo awkward and I felt stupid. The first few times I took myself on dates I had a goal of 1 hour and I went to I believe Olive Garden, I ordered my food and ended up taking it to go because I felt that everyone was staring at the girl sitting in a booth alone, I know ridiculous. But my reality was I just wasn't at the point were I felt comfortable sitting with myself. The great news was I didn't let that stop me. I switched from making a restaurant my first thing to do by myself to sitting and having coffee, at first I was sitting for just a few moments to hours and then that led me to going to lunch alone and then dinner.

Throughout all that time when I started focusing on me thinking that the ugly I felt was all aimed at my hair and then realizing that it was so much more and that there was so much more to me than my hair it was truly a turning point. I am grateful for my journey and to know that it's still the beginning and I have so much more growth to go I get so excited to know that I'm still becoming my best version of myself.

Be Kind to yourself always

B